Dirty Little Secrets: Throwing A Party

After my recent post about my dirty little secrets (read it here) several friends suggested that I let them in on my other secrets. You know, the things I do that allow me to get through life without going totally insane. So, since it's the holidays, and everyone is stressing out about everything I thought I’d provide some secrets to throwing a great party.

1) As I’ve mentioned previously, cleaning is a snap when you hire out someone else to do it. Schedule them to come no more than 48 hours before your party. And schedule them again for a week later, since it will take you that long to recover and you’ll need the floors and bathrooms all cleaned again.

2) Even though your house is CLEAN, there might still be some clutter hanging around. Cram that clutter anywhere you can – into the washer or dryer, the closet, any empty suitcases, under the bed or couch. If all else fails, get a laundry basket, fill it up and throw it in the garage. (NOTE: if you don’t go looking for whatever you stashed by the time the holidays are over, you never really needed it in the first place. Throw it in the trash!)

3) Never, ever have a sit-down dinner. Instead, advertise that you’ll supply the alcohol if other people will just bring an appetizer to share. It’s way easier to feed a crowd if the crowd brings the food with them. Set out some cheese and veggies and let the home-baked goodies roll in.

Also, by supplying the alcohol, you guarantee that the drinks at your party are ones you actually want. Remember, you’re the only one who doesn’t have to worry about driving home tonight, so drink up! Also, call your pregnant friend and ask her to bring her soft drink of choice. She’ll get what she’s craving and you won’t have to worry about it.

4) Either invite kids and embrace them, or specify no one under the age of 18. This really defines a lot of the dynamics of your party, but it makes the atmosphere clear to your guests, which is easier on them. If kids are allowed, buy the biggest bucket of cheezey-poofs you can find, make a bunch of PBJ sandwiches, and get a ton of juice boxes. They’ll all be gone.

5) Finally, invite fun people. Duh.

Awesome Christmas Gifts

Everyone is looking for it, racing to get it, and paying unbelievable prices for what they think will be the best Christmas gift this year. It doesn’t even matter how old you are or who you’re buying for.

There are those who will say they don’t like surprises at the holidays, or that they really only want gifts that are practical and useful, but those people are NO FUN. (You know who you are!)

My kids have continually surprised me with their wish lists and ideas of what is an awesome gift. They have great ideas for their cousins, aunts, uncles, dad and even me. And at the holidays, they almost always get gift cards or money for which they can do their own shopping, and they never fail to produce items that 1) I never knew they wanted, 2) I never would have guessed that they wanted, and 3) they absolutely love!

Here is a picture of holiday/birthday gifts that were the products of gift cards:

And here is a toy that, while simple and inexpensive, has given Alex years of enjoyment:

So while you’re looking for the perfect gift this year, just look for something fun, unexpected and that will bring some joy!

Forced lessons: The Value of a Car

We recently had an automobile accident happen to us. I say that because we weren’t IN the accident, it just happened. On the street, in front of our house. When someone slammed into my parked Honda Pilot and totaled it.

Yes, these things happen, but only to us. Other people have normal car problems. We have people slamming into ours at crazy speeds and causing tons of damage.

So, we watched the red Pilot get towed away and we only saw it again when we went to the tow yard to get all our stuff out of it.

The whole thing was difficult for me from a convenience and financial standpoint. I liked the red Pilot just fine, it was functional, fit all our stuff and more importantly, it was PAID FOR. I definitely had not been thinking of getting rid of it.

But the real value of the red Pilot wasn’t in dollars to Alex & Maryssa. They went to school one day and when they returned home. NO RED PILOT. It was GONE. And that was a tragedy.

So we went through a number of feelings and emotions, which included tears (OF COURSE). Then the talk began of what the new car would be.

Alex insisted on a NEW RED PILOT. Nothing else would do. And this was her stand for about two weeks while Pete and I contemplated options, did research, and lots of math.

Finally, after one too many insistences that we “just go out and bring back a NEW RED PILOT tonight,” I decided it was time for a little economics lesson, with some finance thrown in. By the time I was done, Alex’s eyes were glazed over, having been subjected to mathematical formulas and explanations of loans, payments and dollar amounts larger than she could imagine.

She finally understood that it just wasn’t that easy. In fact, it was quite painful for us to go out and bring home a new (used) car. And time consuming. And expensive (which is mostly where the pain come from.)

In the end, we all learned a lesson about value – of things, of money, of time, and of health and well-being. After all, no one was injured in the accident, not even the person who caused it. And that was the most important thing.

Scary things in your future...

So hey, guess what all you moms of sweet, cute, little girls that have bows in their hair! Sorry to break it to you, but you have some pretty awesomely scary things to look forward to.

If you haven't read through this blog yet, go ahead, some are mentioned here (bra shopping).

But the one I'm here to warn you about today is:

One day you'll have the joy of breaking it to your daughter that its time for her to shave her arm pits.

That is all. Thank you.

Clean your room!

I finally know what my mom was talking about all those years ago. My room was a mess, I just couldn’t see it.

These days, I have two 7^th graders whose rooms are, for the most part, danger zones. I can walk in and get to the bed to do the nightly tuck-in, but beyond that, there isn’t a spot on the floor big enough for my feet to settle.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism – “If I keep my room messy mom will just look in from the door and won’t bother to come in and touch anything.” And it works. If they’ll bring their own laundry up and down the stairs, then there really isn’t a reason for me to go in. So I don’t.

So where do I draw the line with the messy room? I’ll tell you where – at ants.

Not once, but TWICE we have found advanced colonies of ants in Alex’s room.

Usually the discovery comes after bedtime, when I’m tired, and have a long list of things to do (dishes? Oh, well!) It takes 20 minutes to clear the space of all the clutter and trash just to determine how bad the situation really is. Then 20 more minutes to kill the ants, clean the floor/wall/anything that an ant has touched, and to get things situated well enough for us to go to bed.

Its painful, and really stressful, and infuriating. The last time the ants were there because there was a happy meal box with French fries in it under her bed.

Me: “When was the last time you had a happy meal?”

Kid: “I don’t know…”

So, as a result, Alex has to clean off her floor weekly and isn’t allowed to have anything under her bed. Who knew this would be so terribly difficult to maintain? They’re at school for most of the day, then asleep all night. How in the world does the remaining 8 hours give her time to make such a crazy mess?

And so the discussion comes full circle back to my own mother – who I’m sure had all the exact same thoughts I’m having now. Is it the circle of life? The way the world turns? How the cookie crumbles?

I suppose its just having kids who turn into teenagers.

Graduation Time!

One of my favorite photos from this past year is this one:

The girls are pictured with my sister, Melissa, at her graduation from veterinary school at Texas A&M University. It was such a proud day, and one that Melissa had worked toward for a VERY long time.

The great thing about the picture is that it makes me think of two things:

1)  How proud we all were of Melissa. And that includes Alex & Maryssa – they were in awe of everything they saw. Meli took us on a tour of the school – showing us where she learned and talking about all of her experiences. Alex & Maryssa’s eyes were huge as they looked at all of the animal skeletons, the biology room, met the ostrich and the horses that Meli had to care for. It was a whole new world.

2)  What is in store for Alex and Maryssa! We joked at the time that it was the girls’ first official college visit, but really, that is true. To them “college” has always been some undefined thing, usually associated with a mascot or a sports team. Somewhere all the grown-ups have been and a place they’ll go to some day. They’ve never gone and seen classrooms or labs before. So in a sense, they got to see what their future might look like one day. Maybe not at Texas A&M, but somewhere. And they heard about what Meli went through to earn that cap and gown, that medal she’s wearing, and the diploma with the fancy writing.

So I’m sharing this photo with all of you. Really it's just a cute pic of the girls with their aunt. But I love it for more than that. 

I’m not the perfect mom.

Hey, guess what all you perfect moms out there: I don't think you're all as perfect as you seem.

Take me for instance: I've really got my shit together, don't I? Don't you wish you could be more like me? Well behaved kids, a nice house, and I throw great parties, right?

Well I've got news for you. I'm going to share some of my dirty little secrets, so you'll know just how perfect I am. This is what kind of mom I really am:

1 - I almost never wash the dishes before I go to bed at night. In fact, I usually wait until we're totally out of bowls and silverware and my kids have to eat cereal out of Tupperware containers before I cram everything into the dishwasher without even rinsing things off. I can sleep soundly even with a full sink of dirty dishes. No problem.

2 - Despite my reputation as a stellar cook, I have about 20 dishes I've been cooking for 15 years. If my kids like something, I cook the hell out of it. And when you come over, I'll cook it for you, too. If they like it, surely you and your family will as well. 18 of those 20 recipes are based on pasta and something out of a jar or can.

3 - I have a cleaning service that cleans my house every other week. And I'm this close to making enough money to up it to weekly. I don't spend my time cleaning anything.

4 - When I'm having guests over, I hide clutter and stuff I haven't had time to put away wherever I can. The washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, laundry bins, drawers, closets. Don't open anything, you never know what you'll find.

5 - I am super-strict with my kids. They have at least 5 chores they do every day before they can play or read or do anything else, and that includes practicing the piano. Yes, piano is a chore – why do you think they’re so good? No piano, no dessert. And God help them if they take a drink or food out of the kitchen. The holy wrath of Mom will descend if another trail of ants appears because they’ve left a cracker box in the living room.

6 - At Christmas, I buy multiples of the same gift and give it to everyone. I'm super excited this year because I think Pinterest will do all the hard work for me. Don't worry, I found you the perfect gift, you'll love it!

And my final big dirty secret is this: I can let it go. That’s right. Dishes and laundry, dirty floors, dusty shelves, moldy food in the back of the fridge and even the dog hair in the corner. When it comes to being a good mom, I'll let all those nasty do-it-now things go so that I can play a game, go get yogurt or spend an extra moment at bedtime to hear about the volcano project. And when it comes to keeping my sanity, I'll let just about any chore go so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour, go for a run or watch a hockey game. 

So next time you're worried about how good a mom you are, feel free to compare yourself to me. I'm up for it, and I have far more little dirty secrets than the ones I’ve mentioned here. Feel free to use the fact that I’ll leave clean, unfolded laundry sitting around for days make you feel better about yourself – I don’t care. And when you’ve finally figured out how to let things go, give me a call and we’ll have a glass of wine – on the porch, because the house doesn’t get cleaned until tomorrow.

And for those of you who still insist on being perfect, have fun with that.